| If I look back I'm lost |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|05:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
On the 14th day I stopped to cry.
I felt so empty from the inside that I had no more tears to give to the world.
I was laying on my bed, trembling, talking with a very quiet voice, almost a whisper, feeling like there’s nothing left. No life. No hope. Nothing…
Even my mom’s comforting voice was too distant to comfort.
I didn’t care anymore, wished for a moment to die and get over with this now and here, while there’s still a bit breathe in my soul.
But again, I kept on waking up to the same reality, same pain, and slow realization.
I must learn how to live with it. I must fight. I must live…
Easy said than done though. When I can’t even hear my own voice anymore and barely remember my name.
And then I got the final call.
The last diagnose.
And in that day, April 20th 2007, my life as I knew them , came to an end.
The tears came again, thanks for the Gods Robin was by my side to keep me from fallin’.
And then I realized how lucky I was that only for my will this cursed thing didn’t happen before, that somehow without even knowing, I pushed it away for a long time, so long, until my body left empty from one of it’s most important things.
And even then for two long weeks, I still stood on my feet.
Maybe I deserve a medal. All I want is my health back.
I want to feel the taste of food, stop loosing so much weight (yes, I want to stop loosing weight-it is serious), I want to be able make more than 10 steps without fall, and most of all , I want to smile….again….
There’s so much to live for. My kids, my’ family, my dance, my boy, my friends.
After the happiest day of my life I woke up to a nightmare.
Doctors have dry medical words, friends and family has warm love and support, and boy has way too much time spent on me.
But today I stop asking why. Today I start my fight. It’s not fair, indeed. But instead of wishing to go back I can only wish to live.
If I look back I’m lost, said Daenerys and if I should greet every morn with a tear I will till me eyes become desert again.
I won’t give up. |
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| Everlast |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|11:56 pm] |
-Are you wishing being dead?
-Sometimes…
Four days…four days that I am living a nightmare.
I never thought that I can break down. Break down is for weak people, and I am so strong, so independent, so never giving up.
So…
Ms. I can do everything had to retreat the battlefield.
Now I must learn to wake up and smile again.
My eyes are way beyond pain now from a million tears. I think I feel hollow. I like it, I want to feel tired and have a long sleep that will bring me back to life.
Maybe it’s the easiness of sickness that scared me so. How in one moment I can loose it all.
And for some reason, my body, keep on fighting and refuses to lay back and rest.
I want to breathe, I want to stop trembling, I want to close my eyes without fear. I have to find my courage back and use it.
I want to wake up four days ago and be the person I was before the sky died. |
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| Winter vacation, dedicated to Mom |
[Jan. 24th, 2007|05:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bed!!!! | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  F-A-T =) | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Amazing Sharon | ] |
Usually when I swear on something I never keep it.
And in this case I didn’t think it’s time to make a change.
I mean, fuckin’ flights…next time, I swear, I’ll walk home, or swim, or ride a bike. I will NEVER! I mean, ever, get on a plain again.
Family reunions are fun. Everybody’s fighting and getting stressed about stuff like food and being on time. That’s the sign for me and my awesome Mama to take off for shopping and spend tons of money on things we don’t really need.
That was a funny vacation coz instead of using my days traveling and meeting new people and old friends I did nothing but stay home, read Hebrew, talk Russian, spit bad words in English, crying for cigarettes but smoking none (some promises I do keep), and staying sober and making Mom proud of her precious little bundle of troubles.
They said I grew up a little and made fun of my moooshy belly. My bro said I look smokin’ hot though. I wish I had more days with everybody but work doesn’t wait, it’s actually bites your ass and demands your never ending attention.
So some damn cloud thought it would be funny if he could fart some snow on DC and block the landings, what grounded my craft for hours. At least they served Dr. Pepper there and I had some Oreo with me to snack while reading Hebrew remains of Yediot weekend.
Seeing DC white while landing made up for all. And the fact that the sweetest man on earth waited all this time for me and despite my complains of jet-leg and shit took me to grab some Middle Eastern pizza. Yummy.
Snow is melting now, so is the time. Life has its own ways, in any way you’ll look at the wheel, somehow it’ll spin.
As I said to my guy a while ago, life’s a bitch, fuck it or die. And I chose to have sex.
DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS….upon demand: new journal is on the way. Pics, the crazy videos and new writing as well. Link will be send. |
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| And he just called to say his car still full with my scent...awwwww! |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Hang over | ] |
So I’m home, lying on my bed…cuddled in my blankets, smelling deep the old, familiar senesce. Out side there is a dark night, some stars and moon.
Nothing has changed. I thought I’d feel different, somehow...more, grown up?
I’m kinda lost. Everything is still the same, but I don’t really fit to this picture, as always. There are people I wanted to see more, places I wanted to visit, and so many things I planed and never had the chance to do.
Maybe someday. But not today. Not tonight.
Tonight I’m dreaming. Tonight I’m hugging my old childhood stuffy animal and I’m quiet.
Home…
Same old smell, autumn smell. I’ll never look at autumn at the same way, never.
I’m smiling with sadness as the night getting deep around me.
Whatever happens now happens for a reason…whatever the morn brings I’ll face with courage.
Surprise, but I’m not that sad. It’s more about sense of long farewell. The weirdest thing is that I knew exactly how everything would happen. I lied to myself but deep inside I knew. Funny, how your heart guiding your choices when it comes to take a path.
So this is it. My final post, I think. This journal was created to write about a journey. And now, my journey is coming towards its end. Thanks for all the Email-comments and the shared moments. I’m scrolling, reading and can’t believe that I lived all this.
And this one…. this one is for you my love. I’m thanking God everyday for throwing that storm on earth and send you to save my heart from dying. I’ll never kiss another lips; I’ll never love another soul, I’ll never dream of other face, but, yours…
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow…
Slowly, the dawn is coloring the sky and my closed eyes.
Another journey begins. |
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| Dreaming of 365 beautiful days... |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|03:24 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | fuck | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
So…
I have about three weeks left. Three weeks and this is it.
The year is over.
Seems so fast but in the other hand feels like a lifetime.
I don’t want it to end. I never thought I would say that but,
I DON’T WANT IT TO END!!!
I love DC. I love the European houses…the magic between the alleys, the noises and smells of Adams Morgan, the bars, I LOVE THE PEOPLE! Really, I’m way too polite now to live in Israel again, well, at least when I’m sober, and I don’t consider FUCK as a bad word. This one is a very useful shit, one of the best these asses could come up with.
I’m trying to look back a year…check my expectations…I don’t think I had any…and maybe that’s why everything turned to be they way it is. The days and nights, the people, the trips, the kids, the nature. All came to one, my life.
It was far from being perfect, it was pure living and feeling.
I’ll never forget the landing in NYC, cold October day, very cold October day. How different the breath felt.
I’ll never forget the first everything, in English, first with accent, then without, then again with coz I love my accent and I don’t love sound too local.
I’ll never forget my first night in DC, the last tears of my soul, How scared I was, how shocked. Unknown was a scary thing back then.
I’ll never forget the first weekends of museums and clubs, feeling like a little girl discovering a treasure between the autumn leafs.
I’ll never forget the Black Cat and the months I spend there with Sabine, the nights, the dance, the New Year’s Eve, the B-days, the hopes and jokes.
I’ll never forget my best friend, my soul mate, the other half of me that will always have a place, in the corner of the left room in my heart.
I’ll never forget Nicky’s welcome party and how we crashed to other house party and got pissed drunk and walked home and got silly with small sizes songs.
I’ll never forget “too good to be true”, the night that started the beginning of a dream period, the fight at the bar, Richie, the 15 degrees night, the line at the diner at Adams Morgan, the laughs and the Heaven.
I’ll never forget Bine’s B-day and the special night and the dead hours after with Richie.
I will always remember my B-day that lasted for three days. The cheese cake at tryst, the special day that Bine made for me, the Adidas jacket and the other gifts. And then, the fight, and the farewell at the Capitol stairs. Sad conclusion but it was all for the best.
I will always remember the funny dates I had after…random hookups with funny people, Robin would be proud.
The trip to NYC and Boston, living in such a fast style was too overwhelming and the day at times square that made me realize that I’m taking the one path grey line.
We separated after this but nothing will take away the special connection between us.
We’re still bounded and that’s great though we can’t even schedule to eat together.
I’ll never forget how one day I woke up and realized that I can really shake what my mama gave me, and I can do it GOOD. So I do hip hop as well now.
I will always, always remember the dance. The stage at the Black Cat, the DJ stand at the Angry Inch, Bobby and Scott, and my unforgettable nights.
I will always remember the 8 days of heaven, aka the cruise.
La Toya and our jokes, the places, the days and nights, and of course Russell, who made me understand and more than all, believe.
I’ll never look the same at some toys again.
I am the best source for games/songs/parks.
There are 5 things I can do at once with only two hands.
I can actually cook.
I don’t mind of diapers anymore…
Or screams, or baby bites and food spiting.
I LOVE my babe.
I love my boy.
I even like the dog.
There is so many other stuff I’ll keep with me for eternity…
The winter rains and snow. The humid jungles at summer time, the one night getting together with funny people, the beautiful colors of fall, my gym, my weight, my first short haircut, dr.pepper and Doritos, writing at tryst, star bucks and Zach, sushi and movies, Nolan’s at Friday’s and Tom, summer thunderstorm, kings dominion, after hours with Bobby, first history semester, Justin, the trip to Philly, and so on and so…..
Anja – Oct. 05:
Blonde, long hair
Thin, kind of. Thank you restless mind
Sober.
Sad and broken in some ways
Cute, insecure, and nice most of the time
Anja Oct. 06:
Short red hair
Not thin, but sexier. Thank you cruise food!
Drunk on weekends
Happy and whole.
Bitchy, oh yeah, over self confidence.
Dreaming of 365 beautiful days and thinking…
I am N-O-T leaving. I have nothing there.
I belong here. I always was. |
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| THE SEX CRUISERS-LUST AT SEA |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
Coming up this fall at myspace.com/ 18 and up only.
Anja and LaToya- S&M
Marlens- the Babe
Rich-the playboy known as the neck biter.
Ryan- the #2 playboy
Rich and Stacy-the spank master and the elf fairy.
Paul and Shannon- the cocktail and the insanity
The FOUR- Jason, Russ, Dan and George.
Irit and Mikki- The Mamas Grazias.
Razvan- Bar service (in a Romanian accent- heavy sexy one please).
Mike and Jannel- the sweety and the invisible.
Deck 9- Adult pool, hot tub, rain.
Deck 10- porn shooting set
Deck 4- the rooms. 4125- pleasure pack! 4173-rulz. 4142-alternative bar.
Truffles- the crazy dinners and the joke of the day.
Medusa’s lair- sandwich dance- THE earth is moving under my feet.
Main lobby- getting buzzed at 7:30.
Follies lounge- the comedy.
They were young and sexy. They were witty and charming. Happened they all boarded on the same ship.
For 8 days they lived in a dream.
And hell, it was a great one.
DON’T WAKE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Going far, far away..... |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|09:17 pm] |
Very very excited…..or anxious…or both….
Tonight I won’t sleep…eating peanut butter and jelly sandwich with diet coke….
Soon enough I’ll be out smoking Marlboro after Marlboro…
My big red bag is almost full….almost…tomorrow morning I’ll shove the toothbrush and the make up, and close the zipper.
Tomorrow this hour I’ll be away…far away….I don’t even have a clue how the time is going there.
At least I won’t be alone, well, after the long ride to NYC.
I must admit…I missed NYC…
I wish I could meet Brandon again…but the time won’t be on my side. Not this time.
I hugged my angels…Jul was dressed in her pajama and smelled of soap, cuddled in her baby blankets…
Xander was in the middle of his story time, hiding beneath his sheets, roaring and screaming. My dire-wolf.
I know once I’m back there would be things to deal with, to solve.
But right now I’m trying to clear my mind. Worry less about all the paper work stuff. I think I have everything. Hopefully.
I just want to be in my room…relaxing...thinking of nothing…thinking less of him.
I need this time, to let go a bit.
I don’t think it’s my time, not now.
Funny but just today I was thinking of two of my friends. Both of them seem to jump from one relationship to another. I don’t remember them being single more the few weeks.
Everybody jealous, trying to get their “secret”.
And today I was thinking…
I dunno…my longest "relationship" was with BB, I think the best relationship ever. It wasn’t perfect, we fought wars, we made love, until there was nothing to fight for and we broke up.
No words. No tears. We got off the bus and wave to each other, said “see you” with a smile and turn to our separate ways.
After a few weeks we already were gossiping together, sharing funny dating stories, meeting each other dates.
That was insane… go to date with your ex! I love it!
Now BB seems to find the big real love and of course I was the first to give my blessing and approval.
And I remember BB asking me if it’s possible to have two soul mates.
I have no answer for this one. Now I’m driving BB crazy with my him.
I like my man, but I need to be sure, that I can give my heart away again.
Compare to my “lucky” friends, most of my life I was out of relationship, and after a busy dating year I can understand why.
I never gave 100% of my self to someone. Putting a wall between me and the people I loved, maybe coz most of them met me first because of something I did. Writing an article or performing a dance routine. After seeing me on stage I felt like I can’t let them down with my weaknesses.
And sometimes I gave too much and they got spoiled by my love and treated me bad.
I think BB is the only one that saw me without walls...any walls…and that’s what made our time so special.
Just two weeks ago when he hugged me and kissed my forehead, I told him.
I told him I don’t believe.
I have no trust in people and their fakeness.
I think our generation lost any respect for real love and the way it spouse to be.
It’s all about one nite stands, fake glamour, and scores. Shallow promises and lies.
I stopped count the phone numbers I get in a bar each Saturday from all this pretty faces.
I have no need of pretty face. In 10 years we all be wrinkled and yellow from smoking. At least I would. I need some one who can see beyond my cute face.
I want someone who can see right through me, into my soul.
He just looked at me with sad eyes and I realized that I just hurt him.
He’s different, I know he is.
He’s not perfect; of course, already he’s driving me crazy…but this look...
And the words.
“I think you’re wrong”…
I wish I was.
I’m sorry, I just can’t believe. I don’t see any reason why should I.
I’ve made my mistakes already and paid for them.
I don’t want to hurt anybody and I don’t want to hurt myself.
So I’ll let everybody else jealous, and these friends of mine, with all their mates, I don’t think they know what love really means. I think they just afraid of being alone.
You should have a special courage to be alone, to face yourself, to get to know yourself from inside, to build yourself a whole person. Only then you can find the right one to share your life with.
If anyone would tell me I’ll end up falling like this I would laugh in their faces, well, who’s laughing now?
I need to think. This time I’ll take my time. I have no rush to prove nothing to no one.
If you’re the right man for me I’ll come to you and reach my hands towards your face, kissing you, you’ll get the key for my soul. |
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| Bedtime... |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
Seems just like yesterday…
They put her in my arms…little and pink…a pile of black hair and two huge blue eyes staring at me.
“Who are you”? She wondered…
“Welcome to the real world girl”, that was all I whispered
Then…I didn’t know myself, how could I introduce myself to her?
I was looking back at the first days…it was so frustrating… why we born without the chance to speak?
Well, she knows all, I mean ALL my secrets so I’m glad….and by the time she’s talk, let’s hope she’ll forget it all.
Yesterday she turned one.
My little babe is one.
Two teeth. Two more on the way. The hair got a bit blonde and the eyes…oh God…those beautiful eyes…
I love my little babe. I never thought I could love a child like this.
I can honestly say she is the reason. Well there are another two minor reasons and damn…they are important no less.
She’s BIG, 20lbs….too heavy for everything…but sweet as hell and yeah…she got me…
Happy birthday to my little angel.
In another note….I’m so glad that I did it…it hurts…I’m surprised how much…but the worse is behind…and fuck! I can make it. I will.
The holidays are almost here...last year I was happy to celebrate them at home…then my agent told me-that’s means next year you’ll do them at the states. I haven’t really celebrated anything since I’m here and its okay but these holidays…there is a plan.
And my family can have me for other holidays I guess.
Last year- all I can remember from the family meal is being mocked by mama for being stupid. I guess I deserve it big time…
Now I need sleep…and pack my bag…..and I miss my man…really bad…I still can’t believe…I’ll better shut up.
And I need a cigarette. BADLY. |
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| HE'S GONE!!!! I'm free again!!!! The long summer came to an end!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|04:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rihana | ] |
I knew only one thing, then, when I was crossing the road and the light was bright red, the cars were loud.
I looked down, closing my eyes, and wished…
Please…oh please…just let me die….
I didn’t know why I wanted to be dead but it was this kind of situation that was accompanying me for the last two weeks.
I was waking up…opening my eyes…just to close them again and wish to be dead.
Being next to sharp objects and pills was playing hard on my sense of holding against temptation and all that.
So I was drinking with friends, the band was awesome…their music cutting deep, I’m dancing…and laughing…until I’m filling Tom’s arms surrounding me.
It feels nice, been hugged…nice and…really nice…and nothing more.
My eyes becoming sad and I look beyond the smoky night. I’m somewhere else…it’s not Tom’s arms that hugging me…it’s not from alcohol I’m drunk…
But the night was great. I love my friends, Robin…ordering me beer after beer, Shawn, arguing of politics, Conny and her crazy stories…
I had F-U-N, but woke again with the same wish.
Please let me die…
The air is too heavy for breathing…the food taste like ashes…
So some other people came and took me to Baltimore…
That was really funny, my first Israeli –people trip here.
I forgot how time getting a whole different meaning, (I was ready at 8:30….really ready…and of course they came after 10!)
Ha…and even the adventure for the kosher restaurant was worth it all!
Damn…those hoods…and getting lost in SE DC….he he…God doesn’t want me dead, otherwise I would be already with all this lovely opportunities!
SE DC- if you vanilla wide eyed chick like me-you’re dead.(well, unless you’re really ME which means I’m so stupid sometimes that they just feeling sorry for me and letting me go).
God wants me alive….
Well, not just God actually…
Last night…I was tired…getting drunk two nights in a row isn’t that easy as it used to be, though it’s still fun.
My goodnight talk became a whole long long bla bla of nothing…bal bla that sent me to a sweet dreamless sleep. Hells…that cannot be…ha ha…the guys will kill me, Fennec will mock me till the rest of my days.
Maybe Bobby was right…and Biene…they know me too well. And they both away :’(
And okay, I’ll admit it. I do like you too babe, A LOT, but it just between me and my LJ. For now. :P
And it’s funny…how people notice so fats when you’re inlove, and wants to be around you.
I don’t remember getting that much of attention in my whole life.
They’re saying I’m glowing!
I ‘m getting hit by guys even as a busy mommy with a stroller.
Nah…I’m smiling….leave me be….
And now just realized that three days from now I’ll be far far away…
And for some reason…this morning I woke up with a weird wish….
I couldn’t wait to hug my two little angels, and we had a great day!
And now even my library guys knows my name and my taste of books (I’m driving them crazy with my requests of Song of Ice and Fire).
Strange, but I don’t feel like dying anymore.
A min ago I got my paper….I have a date of coming back home…I feel weird about that…. |
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| Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | South Park | ] |
I just found out a forgotten chanel with neverending episodes of South Park!!!
I should sleep! I have a dance class tomorrow (today), Carol is coming...I need to dance Sat nigh!
But that's the episode with the Ninjas! and the song!!! Cartman...oh Gods...I'm fighting sleep!
Ku ju kuju...chu..chu...protect my balls...lets fighting love!!! |
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princess_cobra's journal
It's over so soon????